Welcome, reader, to Story Time at Redundant Paradox. Sit back, grab some coffee, and I'll tell you a tale of high crime, cops, iPods, and ultimate justice.
I actually got somebody pulled over the other day. It was, at once, both a small moral victory and a source of just a hint of shame for being the one that got the other guy nailed. In the end, though, I wasn't purposely trying to, so I guess if he got pulled over, that was his problem.
Mindy and I were heading south on the Boulder Turnpike, which has a speed limit of 65MPH. As per the state of Colorado - and the myriad of signs posted along the freeway - you are only allowed to use the left lane to pass. Otherwise, you must stay in the right lane. Most of the traffic on this road seems to mosey along at around 60MPH. I like to at least do the speed limit (and maybe push it just a bit), so I spend a good amount of my time in the left lane. Of course, when someone comes up behind that's going faster, I move over and let him pass.
Therein lies the background for this little tale. I was in the left lane, and pulled up behind this guy doing 58MPH or so. Courtesy - and, yes, state law - asks that he move over to let me by. Of course, he had no intention of doing so. What made this really irritating is the the cop car hauling along in the right lane doing a comfy mid 50's for speed. Because of this, one of the stupidest driving phenomenons in driving history (even worse than the storied legends of the old Roman freeways) suddenly sprang into effect: Every driver in a 500 foot radius around the car slowed down to make sure they were going no faster than the cop car.
Okay, I have to digress here. I'd just like to ask this question of all the folks who feel they can't go around a cop car: WHY DO YOU DO THAT? Let's think about this, here, applying the specific example of my current (unfinished, dry, and increasingly long-winded) story. The posted speed limit is 65. The cop is doing 55. By all rights, if you want to continue doing the legal speed limit, just go around the cop! What are you afraid of? Do you think you're going to bruise the cop's ego, and he's going to come tearing after you, pulling you over for some silly reason like not having your bumper stickers properly registered by the state? You all act like you're drug dealers hauling a big load of merchandise in a stolen car with forged plates while holding a hostage at gun-point in the back seat, and the last thing you want to do is draw attention to yourself from the cop! Come on! If he wants to drive like an old granny, let him do that, and go around him, and on your way at the normal speed limit! Period! Exclamation Point!
Of course, the guy in the left lane in front of us slowed down, too, right next to the cop, making an impenetrable wall of cars in front of me. It wasn't long before he actually slowed down even more, so he was now a couple car lengths behind the cop. I thought he was going to pull in behind the cop and let me go around.
I was very, very naive.
He just kept sticking in the left lane, probably talking on his cell phone, and changing the track on his iPod at the same time. So, I decided to try going around him on the right. I moved over, started to accelerate, and found that I would ram the cop's back end before I was able to get around the sluggard in the left lane. I'm not sure, but I think ramming a cop is generally looked down upon. Getting more frustrated, I moved back over to the left, and pulled in just a little closer behind iPod Man, hoping he would get the hint. He didn't. I couldn't believe it! Just sitting there holding up me and an increasing line of cars behind me, completely oblivious! ARGH! He just didn't get the hint. However, the cop did. That's when the magic happened.
Sudenly, the cop signaled he wanted to move over, so I backed off and let him in. He immediately turned his lights on, signaling iPod Man to pull over. I'm sure the guy had to tell his buddy on his cell phone that the cops had some sort of conspiracy against him because here he was being pulled over again, and - dammit - now he spilled his Starbucks Latte all over his lap!
Just like that, iPod Man pulled over along with the cop, and I had free sailing down the freeway at 65MPH, the moving roadblock and the cop's lights just a distant memory in my rearview mirror. Of course, everyone else around me sped back up to 65, as well, now that the granny cop was gone. Cowards!
So, there you have it. One more example that crime just doesn't pay. Pass in the left lane, cruise in the right, or face the strong arm of the law. Sure, I was just a pawn in this legal chess match, but at least I got to see ultimate justice meted out just this once.
And also, people drive like idiotic cowards around cops.
And, quite possibly, that I get too worked up when I drive. Maybe.
