Resigned (In More Ways than One)

I've never really enjoyed stumbling onto a blog where the author talks endlessly about himself, and bemoans his very existence. Besides being filled with details that mean nothing to me, I usually find myself getting depressed when I read.

That won't stop me from churning out a sigh-fest of my own today. Consider yourself warned.

I turned in my letter of resignation to a company for whom I've worked for eight years.

This job was supposed to be a temporary job until I could find "real" work as a musician. The unfortunate thing - don't laugh when I say this - was that the job was too good. Here I was, right out of college, just starting to realize that college was no longer my reason for existence, and that I had to actually start earning a living, and just at that point, here comes these opportunities for small jobs in a totally unrelated field. I took all of them, and it very quickly resulted in my landing a job at a huge corporation programming databases and reports for them.

With music, I would have had to fight and claw for any job I got. With programming, I already had a good job. With music, I would be lucky to find an orchestra that paid enough to live on. With programming, I already had a job that paid more than most orchestras.

That's why the job was too good. I was too comfortable too early. I had no financial reasons to pursue music anymore - I was already set. So, I spent the next eight years slowly watching my musical plans fade until they barely registered, all the while coding for a company that began to treat me like a number but continued paying me well, and giving me a raise every year on schedule. They kept me comfortable, fat and relatively.

Fast forward to roughly a year ago when my enthusiasm for my job had reached an all time low, right about the time I got another new boss who understood my job even less than my previous one. I was faced with a decision of Dilbert proportions: Do I continue in my job where I am paid well but nobody understands or appreciates the skills or techniques required to do my job? Or, do I return to a life doing a job that I love, but have no guarantee that I'll be financially secure?

I decided that, after eight years, maybe it was time to try the latter. I had tried the high paid, stuff filled, financially secure, ultimately empty lifestyle. I had grown to loathe it. All inspiration for working was gone. I decided the other option couldn't possibly be worse, and could actually, in fact, be a better life in the long run.

My wife, amazing woman that she is, supported this decision. We've spent the last year slowly getting into a position to allow me to return to my original passion (And for her to return to hers, but that's another story. She really should be blogging.). We sold our big house in the mountains. We got rid of probably two thirds of useless stuff that we had collected over the years. We moved to the Front Range of Colorado, where a choice of universities resided. I got a new bassoon, and renewed my practicing on the beast. I was accepted to CU in Boulder. Mindy got a job as a full time teacher.

And, finally, finally, everything was in place. So I threw the switch, and turned in my resignation. You would think I would be thrilled, excited, and inspired by this action, where I take my life down a different path.

I'm not.

Truth is, I'm not thrilled, excited, nor inspired about practically anything these days, and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the result of all that time I spent selling my soul at a job I knew I shouldn't be at, but continued with anyway. Maybe it's the fact that, even as they continue to pay me, and tell me everything's okay, the company makes no secret that a guy in my position is unacceptable, and will soon be dealt with. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't felt really useful for at least the couple of years. Whatever it is, lately, my life has been nothing more than a series of waking up, eating, taking the dogs out to crap, reading the feeds on the web, and logging into my job where no one cares whether I'm even there or not.

It didn't help that all the acknowledgment I got from my boss about my resignation was a three line email saying, "sorry to see you go, all the best". It wasn't that hard to translate: "Thanks for making my own job easier. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

Maybe, after a while, that would get to anybody. I hope so. I hope I'm not just some weird depressed freak. I hope that, once school starts, I'll begin to actually enjoy life again. I hope I'll find something to get excited about. In the meantime, I'm just left with regrets. Regrets about selling out and letting my music fade. Regrets about working for a corporate giant that would only care about me if I expired in a drooling heap on their desk, thereby making them have to pay for someone to clean up my desk. Regrets about the life I might have led up to now if I hadn't taken a job like this right out of college. Oh well. At least I get a chance to try and fix things.

Bored yet? Depressed? Sorry about that, although I did warn you. The good news is, I only have 30 days until I can leave the corporate bullcrap for good - I hope. Then, maybe I'll quit writing this drivel.

Speaking of meaningless drivel, I need to go answer an email from work about the five things I plan to do to keep my desktop neat, thereby increasing my job satisfaction and productivity.